Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Why is New York Dating So Hard?


By Gamal Hennessy

New York is teeming with singles who want to date but dating in New York is often described as a complicated and stressful process. Like other aspects of city living, dating here can be ultra competitive, expensive and full on mental, emotional and physical turmoil. What is it about dating in general and the New York dating scene in particular that makes it so difficult? Is this something we can change?

Personal Issues: Before you can go out there and enjoy the dating scene, you need to take a look at what you bring to the table in terms of expectations, goals and personal baggage. Lindsay Gebhart, a columnist for The New York Examiner says that if you have a superiority complex or you don’t do well in social situations or you are in any other way a “
hot mess”, you can’t expect dating to go well for you. And even if you have your life together, you have to deal with potentially obnoxious, socially inept or overbearing individuals once you’re out there and separating the wheat from the chaff can become an occupation in its own right.

Uncontrolled Social Stress: Women engaging in modern courtship have developed certain defense mechanisms to ward off undesirable suitors. Personally, you have learned ways to discourage and reject men who don’t appeal to you. A girl’s
social circle can also provide powerful protection from approaching men. Finally, the insecurity and nervousness within men often prevents an initial meeting from even being attempted. Authors like Neil Strauss have made a career out of teaching men to bypassing these social walls. While these defenses are necessary to survive in the modern dating scene, they are often used out of reflex, not out of actual need. You might not be able to turn them off, even if you wanted to.

Economic Issues: If personal issues and your social defenses weren’t enough to worry about, money also provides a big challenge in New York dating. Recent studies from Forbes have suggested that New York suffers as a city for singles to date in because the
cost of living and dating is so high. The current economic slowdown only intensifies this situation. Whether you are dating for love, money or fun, a lack of disposable income from both people’s perspective can have a major effect on your dating options.

Safety Issues: Finally, in rare occasions dating in New York can be dangerous. HIV rates are up.
Condom use is down here. Although crime is down overall in New York City, personal safety is always an issue, especially with a person that you actually know. It’s hard to let your hair down if you feel that you need to constantly looking over your shoulder.

The New York Dating Mind: Issues of psychology, social barriers, economics, and safety are a part of dating everywhere and the situation becomes even more complex when religion, family interaction, career, pre-existing children and past relationships enter into the picture. But New York might be different primarily because of the perception that many of us bring to it.

New York is the business capital of the world. This mentality spills into our dating scene, making the whole process less about pleasure and more about business. If you go into it from a business mentality, as if every date was a due diligence assignment for a possible merger or acquisition, then dating is work. If you don’t like work, then dating this way is hard.

If you go out on a date to enjoy yourself, then you can enjoy yourself. Yes, dating will still be complicated. Yes, there are things to watch out for. No, every date won’t be fun. But it can be a part of your life that you enjoy instead of being another job. You can’t change the factors that make New York dating complex, but you can change the way you look at the experience and doing that can change how much you enjoy it.

Have fun.
G

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1 comment:

Michelle said...

I think New York is the best place for romance or dating!...with such awesome parks and places ...restaurants...I mean what more can you ask for?...but still i think the city's pace is very excruciating on people....its a damn busy place ....everyone is running around 24*7...forget dating but its so tough even to manege time in getting to know some good decent people!
My advice for people looking to date in New York is read up dating recommendations on Yelp.com or try using Bluepont...actually Bluepont is spreading like wildfire in New York...these definitely help in meeting interesting people!